Wednesday, February 15, 2006

Kissing Paperboys...

So as the saga of life unfolds, so many experiences, so many hours change perceptions and revive emotions left for dead. Streetcars named desire, bright red and glossy pass by on wet nights.
They stop under orange streetlights in the misty rain and you seek their warm comfort. Motels and room and leaky roofs are all there. Cheap perfume and fake leather, paper flowers and glassy jewelry are all there.
Smoky bars and sultry eyes, heady whisky and cubes of ice...hard bodies, hands on a quest...where is the heart is all of this?

She looked for love, from one leaky roof to another. I've been looking and looking and looking. It's safe to say that I've slightly more than a tenuous grasp on sanity but recent events make me wonder whether I've already kissed my paperboy - or if its yet to come.

Last Thursday Z came over. I'd been drinking, St Remy no less...to calm the nerves if you will. He arrived. We talked...I massaged and enjoyed this pathetic amount of closeness that I could have with someone to whom I was sincerely attracted.
I read his tarot, we left...he did not come to Parking with me that night as he was supposed to. Perhaps my overt advances made him just a tad bit uncomfortable - whatever. The night is blurr and prehaps for good reason.

I remember a boy. I remember a proposition. And I remember a 'no.'

Kissing paperboys...how many more?

Friday, February 03, 2006

Letting go...

Many know the tale of Draupadi from the Mahabharata epic:

Prequel - One fine day, the dark and beautiful Krsna's finger was injured in her presence. Without a heartbeat's hesitation she tore her sari and bandaged it. He was pleased with her unflinching selflessness and felt indebted to her...

The Tale - Her five husbands tricked into gambling their Kingdom away to thier cousins, staked her as they would any of their other possessions in a round of dice. They lost and as such the vile Dusashan went off to her quarters where she was in a period of recluse and not properly dressed.

Clutching her hair, he dragged her to the great assembly where the gambling had ended and proceeded to humiliate her before all present. Calling her his slave, he began undressing her.

Her cries for humanity and mercy could be heard for miles and miles but none of her five swarthy and stalwarth husbands could do anything save for hang their heads in shame. Turning her mind to the mighty Krsna whose eyes are as blue lotuses, she begged for his aid.

With one hand grasping for dear life her sari's end and the other waving madly in the air, she sought his help. Seeing this, Krsna smiled saying to himself, she can yet help herself so I shall not yet intervene.

Perplexed that the all loving and all merciful lord did not come to her rescue Draupadi continued fighting to protect her honour - till in utter surrender and helplessness, letting her sari fall into the control of the lecherous man, she thrust both hands into the air and clasping them together sought the refuge of Him who even the lord of desire desires.

And at that moment from his bandaged finger flew saris of every colour and quality imagined and the flew to her rescue. Dusashan pulled and pulled, removing from her as it were hundreds of saris such that great halls were filled with cloth.

The winds grew wild and animals roared...inauspicious omens were everywhere for the evil wretch so his advisors bid him stop. And Draupadi's honour, albiet harmed, remained with her.

Why do I keep holding on to scraps of love or lust thrown at me? Why is it that I am unable to simply let go, give up searching for someone and just let it happen? I know that this is what has to be done, yet with a seeming death wish I keep jumping and jumping into flames of passing lust and confused men.

How does one let go?

Accross the Looms that keep Us together
These People form my World


lunar phases